did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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