I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
