You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I could fuck to npr.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
