Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
