Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
