ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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