in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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