just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize
