I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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