I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
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