Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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