I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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