The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize