no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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