omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You smell like a Billy Joel song
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
