my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
