we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
