I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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