Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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