I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
