I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We left the knife in your bed.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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