I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize