I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize