I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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