Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
