I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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