He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
