I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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