he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
