you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize