you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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