I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
