No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
