someone threw a dead crab at me
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
