my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
