he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
