Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize