If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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