haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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