I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
