dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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