it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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