found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
