he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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