I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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