shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
