I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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