This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
