she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
