Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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