You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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