I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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