Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
