ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
