How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
